He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
