I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
