I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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