I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i now understand why vodka
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
