Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
she told me i tasted like america
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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