don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
