went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
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This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
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IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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