sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
