The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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