I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
