My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
