I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
