i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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