The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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