John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
