MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
