Soap is not a condiment
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
