Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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