I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Houston, we have a squirter
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
