how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
