I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
well you can't waste a boner
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
