4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
