I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
