You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
