aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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