You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
