he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
