A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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