Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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