Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
