So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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