Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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