I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
