I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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