She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
