$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
