I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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