I wish my penis had an off switch
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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