Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
