Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
