Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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