I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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