Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
