When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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