Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Acid is not a monday night drug
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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