We won't sleep together?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
