Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
