So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
