And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
