This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
