Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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