I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
