My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
