Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
