I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
